Thought #49

"God's plan and His ways of working out His plan are frequently beyond our ability to fathom and understand. We must learn to trust when we don't understand." (Jerry Bridges)

Recently I've been struggling a lot with life. I worry SO MUCH about the future: about where I'm gonna be in a few years, what I will be doing, where I will be living, who I will be with (if anyone)...so many questions and worries. I also worry about my present life. I have a hard time just releasing it all and giving it all to God. I know that He is in control, but it's so hard to just let go when I don't understand what He's doing. Sometimes life just hurts so much, and I do not understand why, and I try to fix it, but I can't. I can't fix it. I can't understand it. But God tells me I can't worry about it. He is holding me in His hand. He's holding me. He's got me. He cares about the sparrows...why do I worry? Why can't I stop worrying and just let it all go and let God take care of it because He can deal with my crappy life so much better than I ever could imagine dealing with it.

Thought #48

Leaving...

"My prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves…We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it? I want to repeat one word for you: Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."


And another quote...not quite about leaving but about life:

"Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living."

Thought #47

The lady I posted about earlier - the one whose blog I am following - the one who's going through the loss of her husband - wrote a post today which really struck me as relevant. She wrote about the word "Wrestle." She went through different times this word is used in the Scriptures, and at the end of her post, she said that there was a "gift inside the word" - the rest in wrestling. I really liked what she wrote next, so I'm just going to copy it here:

"Perhaps one evokes the other. Perhaps they are mutually inclusive.
Perhaps the rest is within the journey, rather than the result at the end.
I don't know. I really don't know.
But one must be part of the other. It's there, in black and white."

I love this. There is rest in wrestling...somehow and someway...even if I don't feel it or see it, it's there. God gives grace even in the lowest of times...

Thought #46

"This is life. Don't miss it."

This weekend, my family and I travelled to New York for my grandpa's funeral. On the way back from the burial, Francesca Battistelli's new song 'Don't Miss It' came on my iPod. It made me reflect on how I've been living the past few years: in fast forward. Yes, I have had good, enjoyable times and memories; however, most of the time, I've been counting down to times in the future rather than enjoying or being content in the present. I am getting ready to head back to Cedarville for my third year in a week, and as I think back on the past two years, I look back with regret because most of the time I wished away, counting down to events in the future. Now I know this is easy to say at this time, but this year, I am going to strive to work hard at not missing or wishing away the present because as this weekend reminded me, we never know when our time on this earth will end. And no matter how much I wish for stuff in the future, time will not go any faster or slower.

Yes, this is going to be extremely difficult, and I am going to struggle with this every single day because a lot of my life has been completed in fast forward: when I was in grammar school, I looked forward to middle school, middle school --> high school, high school --> senior year, senior year --> graduation, graduation --> college, freshman year --> sophomore year, sophomore year --> graduation/wedding, etc.

I *NEED* to STOP this trend!! I need to learn contentment. Actually, while I was writing this, John Waller's song 'While I'm Waiting' came on, and it really applies:

"I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord"

I need to focus on these words this year...
While I'm waiting for all the things I want to count down towards...
While I'm waiting for breaks from school...
While I'm waiting for graduation...
While I'm waiting for my wedding...
While I'm waiting for a job...
While I'm waiting for my future...
While I'm waiting...for whatever...I need to be content in the Lord and trust that He has put me where He wants me at the present time. And the future will come soon enough.

This is life. I'm not gonna miss it anymore!

Thought #45

During Mayterm, I took a flash fiction class, and recently, I was inspired to write another piece. So here it is...

"She can't have a normal life.
She can't stay out past 11.
She can't have him over at her house.
She can't have him in her car.
She can't go to family gatherings without being looked down upon.
She can't go to his family gatherings without her family getting upset.
She can't go through a day without something demeaning said to her or about her.
She can't spend more than 15 minutes around her family without feeling the extreme tension, conflict, and brokenness.
She can't call her parents with excitement and happiness and joy when he gives her a ring.
She can't go wedding dress shopping with her mom or grandmother.
She can't put the wedding date on her family's calendar - they won't be coming.
She can't have her sister as the maid of honor.
She can't be the bride who wears white walking down the aisle, escorted by a proud father.
She can't call her parents with joy when the pregnancy test comes back positive - because half the child is his.
She can't bring the grandkids over to their grandparents house.
She can't get her children to understand.
She can't keep hiding behind a fake smile...
She can't keep living this way...
She just can't anymore..."