"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
I only have a few friends who fit into all of these...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Thought #43
WARNING: Before you read any further, know this: I am going to be brutally honest in this post. Actually I have decided to be brutally honest in my posts from now on. My purpose in writing this blog was not to gloss over facts but to delve into situations and feelings and thoughts, so from now on, that's what I will be doing. One of my friends who read this piece, told me after reading "wow...it's a lot of pain." And yes, it is...it is full of pain and truth and honesty...
~~~
So today I read a post by someone whose blog I have been following since January. Her husband died in her arms around Christmastime this past year, and she has been blogging about her daily struggles since then. I have learned so much from her and been taught about how much I think I have it bad when others struggle so much more than me on a daily basis. Anyway, her post today really struck me because I could relate. She was talking about how she gets so jealous when she sees couples or hears people talking about couples in love because she misses her husband so much and feels "so horribly wronged" sometimes because he was taken away from her and they still have their husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend. Her post was entitled "insanely jealous," and I was inspired to write one for myself since I could relate...so here goes:
~~~
During the school year, I walk around campus and see couples all over, walking hand-in-hand, heading out on dates, eating meals together, going to classes together, doing homework together...while I walk alone, my fiance 150 miles away. During the summer, I see posts on Facebook about couples missing their girlfriend/boyfriend and counting down the weeks till summer ends.
My jealously and angst rises. Must be nice to only be away from your boyfriend for a couple months throughout the year. Must be nice to have them around almost all year round and only have to spend 90-ish days away from them, while I only get 90-ish days to be with mine. Even then, when I'm home during the summer, I'm working full-time and taking classes and he's working full-time and has several other responsibilities to take up his time, so even then, we only see each other once a week for an hour or two date, if that much. I haven't gone on a date in almost three weeks...I haven't seen him in almost three weeks...and we live five minutes from each other during the summer...
~~~
I turn on the television. A movie is on about a couple dating and they're hanging out and having fun, as any normal life would be. A show is on where couples do struggle through daily crisis; however, they see each other and deal with them, and their lives are significantly more normal than mine.
~~~
I see normal relationships, normal lives all around me. Struggles fill their lives, yes, but to an extent, there is normalcy. I want that. I want it so bad.
"I must guard my heart if I am to get through the day, let alone this month. And sometimes that means I must simply walk away. Read something else. Stop listening. Disengage. Lest I publicly give into the rage inside me that feels so horribly wronged."
~~~
I can relate to this woman's struggles with jealously - not in the same way or most likely not as intensely - but I can relate, and I can struggle along with her and have in mind that I am not alone in my struggles. Someone else out there is struggling too. I am not alone...at times that's all the comfort I have...the comfort in knowing that I am not alone...
~~~
So today I read a post by someone whose blog I have been following since January. Her husband died in her arms around Christmastime this past year, and she has been blogging about her daily struggles since then. I have learned so much from her and been taught about how much I think I have it bad when others struggle so much more than me on a daily basis. Anyway, her post today really struck me because I could relate. She was talking about how she gets so jealous when she sees couples or hears people talking about couples in love because she misses her husband so much and feels "so horribly wronged" sometimes because he was taken away from her and they still have their husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend. Her post was entitled "insanely jealous," and I was inspired to write one for myself since I could relate...so here goes:
~~~
During the school year, I walk around campus and see couples all over, walking hand-in-hand, heading out on dates, eating meals together, going to classes together, doing homework together...while I walk alone, my fiance 150 miles away. During the summer, I see posts on Facebook about couples missing their girlfriend/boyfriend and counting down the weeks till summer ends.
My jealously and angst rises. Must be nice to only be away from your boyfriend for a couple months throughout the year. Must be nice to have them around almost all year round and only have to spend 90-ish days away from them, while I only get 90-ish days to be with mine. Even then, when I'm home during the summer, I'm working full-time and taking classes and he's working full-time and has several other responsibilities to take up his time, so even then, we only see each other once a week for an hour or two date, if that much. I haven't gone on a date in almost three weeks...I haven't seen him in almost three weeks...and we live five minutes from each other during the summer...
~~~
I turn on the television. A movie is on about a couple dating and they're hanging out and having fun, as any normal life would be. A show is on where couples do struggle through daily crisis; however, they see each other and deal with them, and their lives are significantly more normal than mine.
~~~
I see normal relationships, normal lives all around me. Struggles fill their lives, yes, but to an extent, there is normalcy. I want that. I want it so bad.
"I must guard my heart if I am to get through the day, let alone this month. And sometimes that means I must simply walk away. Read something else. Stop listening. Disengage. Lest I publicly give into the rage inside me that feels so horribly wronged."
~~~
I can relate to this woman's struggles with jealously - not in the same way or most likely not as intensely - but I can relate, and I can struggle along with her and have in mind that I am not alone in my struggles. Someone else out there is struggling too. I am not alone...at times that's all the comfort I have...the comfort in knowing that I am not alone...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thought #42
Steven Curtis Chapman is coming out with a new album next month. One of his singles was just released on the air. This song hit home with me when I heard it today...
Long Way Home (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpYEwbHPjrs&feature=related)
"I set out on a great adventure the day my Father started leading me home. He said there's gonna be some mountains to climb and some valleys we're gonna go through. But I had no way of knowing just how hard this journey could be. Cuz the mountains are steeper and the valleys are deeper than I ever would've dreamed.
But I know we're gonna make it. And I know we're gonna get there soon. And I know sometimes it seems like we're going the wrong way. But it's just a long way home.
Some rocks in my shoes, fears I wish I could lose. They make the mountains so hard to climb. And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes. And there's a bag of regrets and 'should have beens' and 'not yets' I keep on dragging around, and I can hardly wait till the day I get to lay them all down.
Well I know that day is coming. And I know it's gonna be here soon. And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way. Cuz it's just a long way home.
And when we can't take another step, the Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms. And even on the best days, He says to remember we're not home yet, so don't get too comfortable cuz really all we are is just pilgrims passing through.
Our God has made a promise, and I know everything He says is true, and He promised He would never ever leave us. He's gonna lead us. He'll lead us home - every single step of the long way home. So keep on. We're gonna make it."
Long Way Home (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpYEwbHPjrs&feature=related)
"I set out on a great adventure the day my Father started leading me home. He said there's gonna be some mountains to climb and some valleys we're gonna go through. But I had no way of knowing just how hard this journey could be. Cuz the mountains are steeper and the valleys are deeper than I ever would've dreamed.
But I know we're gonna make it. And I know we're gonna get there soon. And I know sometimes it seems like we're going the wrong way. But it's just a long way home.
Some rocks in my shoes, fears I wish I could lose. They make the mountains so hard to climb. And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes. And there's a bag of regrets and 'should have beens' and 'not yets' I keep on dragging around, and I can hardly wait till the day I get to lay them all down.
Well I know that day is coming. And I know it's gonna be here soon. And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way. Cuz it's just a long way home.
And when we can't take another step, the Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms. And even on the best days, He says to remember we're not home yet, so don't get too comfortable cuz really all we are is just pilgrims passing through.
Our God has made a promise, and I know everything He says is true, and He promised He would never ever leave us. He's gonna lead us. He'll lead us home - every single step of the long way home. So keep on. We're gonna make it."
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thought #41
Two songs struck a chord with me tonight...
1. Just Cry by Mandisa
"Why you gotta act be so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you tellin me that nothin's wrong
It's obvious your not in a good place
Who's tellin you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verse by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
And a sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Just cry
It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redemming everything
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face"
2. What If We were Real by Mandisa
"Well, I'm tired of saying everything
I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
What if we were real
I'm over hidin my tears
I think I'm gonna let em' go
I'm over actin so strong
When I ain't even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
We'd think a little less of ourselves
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to real
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
You've got to be real
You've got to be real
You've got to be real
You've got to
You've got to"
1. Just Cry by Mandisa
"Why you gotta act be so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you tellin me that nothin's wrong
It's obvious your not in a good place
Who's tellin you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verse by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
And a sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Just cry
It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redemming everything
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face"
2. What If We were Real by Mandisa
"Well, I'm tired of saying everything
I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
What if we were real
I'm over hidin my tears
I think I'm gonna let em' go
I'm over actin so strong
When I ain't even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
We'd think a little less of ourselves
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to real
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
You've got to be real
You've got to be real
You've got to be real
You've got to
You've got to"
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thought #40
Wow...I have not posted on here in a while. Well here is a quote that really encouraged me today:
"The biggest comfort to me lately has been the realization that God loves me SO MUCH that He choose to change and refine me in this way. Fun? No. Glamorous? hardly. But that simple truth.. HE LOVES me, and is refining me for something BETTER... that's the kind of truth that gives you reason to get out of bed in the morning."
And here is another quote that encouraged me yesterday:
“O My child, lay your heart in My hand, and let Me heal it. Let me gather up your tears, for they are precious to Me. You, my child, have not been suffering alone, But I Myself have been near you all along the way. My heart has felt all that you have felt, you do not have a high priest who is not able to sympathize with your sufferings but one who experienced every grief and human emotion common to all people. He is the one who is able to help you. He is the one who having walked in the same path Himself, is able to teach you how, in the midst of these human experiences of hurts, frustrations, loneliness, and heartache, that you may rise above the natural tendencies to fall into the sins of self-pity, self-reproach, depression of spirit, resentment and the like. IT IS NOT EASY. Not only is it not easy, but in the natural, in the flesh, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. But the same grace I promised to the apostle Paul to help him bear his affliction is the same grace I will give to you. You may bring the whole of your burden to me. I will help you as the days go by, as the trials come and go, and as the learning process continues, I will teach you the spiritual secrets of the art of committal. For in COMPLETE and REPEATED COMMITTAL lies the key to victory! The valleys become less deep and less dark and more quickly passed through (with each trail you endure.) I have promised to deliver you out of all your troubles, so now, will you take your first steps in this experience of committal and give Me your heart? Make it as tangible a transaction as possible, and visualize your own hand laying the physical organ of your heart in My hands. Then say to Me, “Take this, Loving Master and Wonderful Lord, and do with it as pleases You.”
"The biggest comfort to me lately has been the realization that God loves me SO MUCH that He choose to change and refine me in this way. Fun? No. Glamorous? hardly. But that simple truth.. HE LOVES me, and is refining me for something BETTER... that's the kind of truth that gives you reason to get out of bed in the morning."
And here is another quote that encouraged me yesterday:
“O My child, lay your heart in My hand, and let Me heal it. Let me gather up your tears, for they are precious to Me. You, my child, have not been suffering alone, But I Myself have been near you all along the way. My heart has felt all that you have felt, you do not have a high priest who is not able to sympathize with your sufferings but one who experienced every grief and human emotion common to all people. He is the one who is able to help you. He is the one who having walked in the same path Himself, is able to teach you how, in the midst of these human experiences of hurts, frustrations, loneliness, and heartache, that you may rise above the natural tendencies to fall into the sins of self-pity, self-reproach, depression of spirit, resentment and the like. IT IS NOT EASY. Not only is it not easy, but in the natural, in the flesh, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. But the same grace I promised to the apostle Paul to help him bear his affliction is the same grace I will give to you. You may bring the whole of your burden to me. I will help you as the days go by, as the trials come and go, and as the learning process continues, I will teach you the spiritual secrets of the art of committal. For in COMPLETE and REPEATED COMMITTAL lies the key to victory! The valleys become less deep and less dark and more quickly passed through (with each trail you endure.) I have promised to deliver you out of all your troubles, so now, will you take your first steps in this experience of committal and give Me your heart? Make it as tangible a transaction as possible, and visualize your own hand laying the physical organ of your heart in My hands. Then say to Me, “Take this, Loving Master and Wonderful Lord, and do with it as pleases You.”
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