Thought #43

WARNING: Before you read any further, know this: I am going to be brutally honest in this post. Actually I have decided to be brutally honest in my posts from now on. My purpose in writing this blog was not to gloss over facts but to delve into situations and feelings and thoughts, so from now on, that's what I will be doing. One of my friends who read this piece, told me after reading "wow...it's a lot of pain." And yes, it is...it is full of pain and truth and honesty...

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So today I read a post by someone whose blog I have been following since January. Her husband died in her arms around Christmastime this past year, and she has been blogging about her daily struggles since then. I have learned so much from her and been taught about how much I think I have it bad when others struggle so much more than me on a daily basis. Anyway, her post today really struck me because I could relate. She was talking about how she gets so jealous when she sees couples or hears people talking about couples in love because she misses her husband so much and feels "so horribly wronged" sometimes because he was taken away from her and they still have their husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend. Her post was entitled "insanely jealous," and I was inspired to write one for myself since I could relate...so here goes:

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During the school year, I walk around campus and see couples all over, walking hand-in-hand, heading out on dates, eating meals together, going to classes together, doing homework together...while I walk alone, my fiance 150 miles away. During the summer, I see posts on Facebook about couples missing their girlfriend/boyfriend and counting down the weeks till summer ends.

My jealously and angst rises. Must be nice to only be away from your boyfriend for a couple months throughout the year. Must be nice to have them around almost all year round and only have to spend 90-ish days away from them, while I only get 90-ish days to be with mine. Even then, when I'm home during the summer, I'm working full-time and taking classes and he's working full-time and has several other responsibilities to take up his time, so even then, we only see each other once a week for an hour or two date, if that much. I haven't gone on a date in almost three weeks...I haven't seen him in almost three weeks...and we live five minutes from each other during the summer...

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I turn on the television. A movie is on about a couple dating and they're hanging out and having fun, as any normal life would be. A show is on where couples do struggle through daily crisis; however, they see each other and deal with them, and their lives are significantly more normal than mine.

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I see normal relationships, normal lives all around me. Struggles fill their lives, yes, but to an extent, there is normalcy. I want that. I want it so bad.

"I must guard my heart if I am to get through the day, let alone this month. And sometimes that means I must simply walk away. Read something else. Stop listening. Disengage. Lest I publicly give into the rage inside me that feels so horribly wronged."

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I can relate to this woman's struggles with jealously - not in the same way or most likely not as intensely - but I can relate, and I can struggle along with her and have in mind that I am not alone in my struggles. Someone else out there is struggling too. I am not alone...at times that's all the comfort I have...the comfort in knowing that I am not alone...